What would Barbra do?
by alliecat101
Summary: Rachel Berry is determined to find a leading man...So why is it so hard to find Mr Right at McKinley High School? *Slight edit to correct error*


Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me and this is my first Glee fiction.

**What Would Barbra Do?**

Rachel Berry has never made a secret of her desire to take over Broadway and she's the first to admit that at times, her methods may be a little questionable. The rest of the world sees an over ambitious, over dramatic, self-obsessed, loquacious teenage girl. She is all those things and more besides and as a result has often found people are too intimidated to even attempt to become her friend. However, that's an ongoing problem, Rachel's latest problem is finding a worthy consort and even more infuriatingly, it's keeping her up at night. Eight hours sleep a night is the bare minimum a talent like hers can function on. Male company is preferable because men are so much easier to read than girls. There's no bitching behind your back, just a direct slushie to the face. Nobody assesses your calorie intake or what size clothes you wear. The boys she knows, she can read their faces like open books and of course being just a little psychic doesn't hurt. Even at six, she targeted the single male in her baby ballet class; the good news is they're still friends even now. Everyone needs a Jonathan in their lives. Although none of her consorts have stuck around, Rachel's even more determined to get what she deserves. Her parents have always ensured that she's known nothing but the best and Rachel wants the impossible – a man straight out of the musicals.

Finn is too weak and easily swayed. He's led by a fear of losing his place in the natural order of McKinley High School. Who wants a boyfriend better at manipulating people than you? He's got the good guy act all sewn up, the earnest do-gooder whom everyone likes, but it's all just an illusion. At first, she was taken in, ambushed by his vocal talents but she should have known better, no leading man would dance as badly as Finn does. Finn will tread on anyone if it means getting his goals. He's ruthless at times and that's a quality Rachel normally likes but not when it's used against her. Rachel would have helped him had he just asked. One should always help those less fortunate than you. Leading a girl on in order to raise money for your pregnant girlfriend, what sort of a man does that? She can't trust him any more, not after he used her feelings for him against her. Who wants to play Quinn Fabray's understudy?

Jesse is too eager for the spotlight. Whilst Rachel is happy to share, it can't be at the expense of her own stage time. Their relationship wasn't so much a duet as two soloists competing to see who could sing the loudest. Whilst she's glad he forced the issue of her birth mother, she will remember him less kindly for the pressure he put on her to have sex. Why can't boys accept that 'I'm not ready yet' doesn't mean 'I will be tomorrow'. Still he accepted it in the end and she thinks it's just as well. She really wouldn't have wanted a constructive performance critique afterwards. Nor was she too interested in ensuring that the mirror angles and the lighting effects were perfect. True passion cannot be scripted like that. There could be no compromises, just dishonesty on both sides. Looking back, she can see they were both using each other. Jesse used her to gain valuable information on New Directions whilst she used him to show Finn that some people are willing to have a public relationship with her. She thinks it was probably a fair exchange, although the egging was just a step too far. Revenge as they say is a dish best served cold and a few quick phone calls soon had Jesse's dream school substantially reducing his scholarship. Sometimes knowing the right people is all it takes.

Disturbing as Jacob's blog is, when Rachel discovered their wedding list at Barney's and the worn patch in the flowerbed opposite her window, she realised Jacob was beyond fan and into psychotic. Most Broadway performers have to win a Tony before they get their first stalker, but Rachel's always been advanced for her age. Jacob is merely good practise for dealing with the negative side of fame. Intrusive reporters and somewhat insane fans are all par for the course. They first met at their temple's summer kids club, after Rachel broke her arm and had to cancel her dance camp. Jacob became obsessed with her after she permitted him to play hide and seek with her and Noah. It had not ended well. Who knew that Noah did not take kindly to sharing what he viewed as 'his'? Still the experience had been a somewhat enlightening insight into the nearly pubescent male mind. Jacob is just too intense and his abilities as a performer are sadly inadequate. Jacob hadn't even managed to convince his own mother that he didn't deserve that black eye.

Mr Schuester just couldn't see beyond their slight age difference. Who needs a man who's afraid to challenge conventions? Then again, what kind of a man steals solos from his best performer in the name of fairness? It is somewhat similar to scoring an own goal, defeating yourself on purpose for the sake of your principles. Perhaps Mr Schuester isn't cut throat enough to be a worthy companion. Then there's his appalling determination to rap regardless of his decidedly boy band style vocal range. Any man who clearly spends longer in front of a bathroom mirror than she does is clearly unworthy of her time. Excessive styling just proves excessive vanity. His hair will not make him look cool, young, or popular no matter what he does to it. People should accept their own limitations. Rachel of course, is the exception to this rule. Although, if anyone ever mentions the disaster that resulted from her Nana attempting to teach her to knit, she will ensure their worst fears become reality. It took weeks to untangle the knots and she still twitches if anyone clicks within a fifty-metre radius. Moreover, Rachel's actually going somewhere; she's not just going to stick it out in Lima and live her dreams through younger, more talented performers. She won't let herself be left behind to join the ranks of the high school dropouts. She isn't going to be just another statistic of small town life.

Mike and Matt are too quiet and from what she can tell seem somewhat easily intimidated. Apparently, her presence makes them nervous, just because they witnessed her coordinating the downfall of her gym teacher at Junior High; they seem to think they might be next. Whilst she was aware of onlookers, the revelation of inflated qualifications was hardly one of her more devious plans. Michael and Matthew hardly pose a threat to her. They tend to follow the herd and whilst they didn't actively slushie her, they didn't do anything to stop the slushies either. She wants someone to protect her, not someone who will apologise later for failing her. Her Daddy always says that as long as you do your personal best you should never say sorry. Mike is a very talented dancer but he's too afraid of what others might think. The Lima dance circuit is small but she's never seen Mike at one of the major events. Neither of them has ever spoken to Rachel outside of Glee club and for quite some time she was unsure of Matthew's ability to speak. Men so ill at ease in her presence rarely meet her requirements for a leading man.

Noah probably came the closest out of all her swains. He just didn't care about his reputation, he didn't put pressure on her, and he certainly didn't hang about outside her house attempting to get a shot of her wearing her bikini. At least, she doesn't think he did. Jacob's restraining order expires next week and she must remember to get it extended. Musically he could be better but at least he seemed willing to make the effort. He rarely seems intimidated by her, apart from that one time when she made it clear if he ever said anything remotely negative about Richard Beymer again, the world as he knew it would be over. His insults had, admittedly occurred after a West Side Story marathon. During their week-long courtship, Noah made her feel both safe and special. With him, there was no need to take the understudy's part. It was only afterwards that she realised that once again Rachel Berry was filling in for Quinn Fabray. It's not the lying that hurts but the idea that once again, the only reason for someone to pursue her was to use her for their own advantage. For someone so special to be treated so often as the means to an end, well it's enough to make even Barbra doubt herself. All right yes, Rachel was using Noah as a means to persuade Finn that other males could find her attractive, but she had honestly come to like him. Unfortunately, now the truth is out about Puck and Quinn, Rachel's not sure what use she can be to Puck, nor how to persuade him they should get back together. They balance each other well, her brains, and his brawn; together she is convinced they could rule this school.

Noah definitely has the leading man potential; now all that's needed is to get him to see it too. Planning is something that comes naturally to Rachel and a few inspiring musicals, Grease, The Sound of Music, even possibly Beauty and the Beast, are just what's needed to provide the inspiration to get her man. There's nothing to stand in her way anymore. Noah Puckerman had better watch out because by the end of the year Rachel has no doubt he's going to be hers.


End file.
